This is not the Substack post that I've been intending to share for weeks. I'll actually share that post tomorrow.
Today marks the 14th anniversary of the passing of my mom, Karolyn Gould. The universe has been very creative in guiding me to read old letters and emails, as well as come upon the photos and have phone conversations that I was meant to have today. These insights and 🎁 from the universe, and from my mother directly, are more important for you to hear, I believe, than my post about why people are intimidated by their divorce attorneys. Because my truth is, more important than any legal advice I ever received during my divorce, the most valuable advice, the advice that got me through my divorce, came from my mother a month before she passed, which was 3 years before I asked for a separation.
I went to see my mom about four weeks before she died to tell her that I knew the only thing she was really scared about in her death was that my father would be okay and I wanted to reassure her that I would be present for him and take care of him. Little did I know that six months later he would be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die another eight months later, but that's another story. The story to share today is after I reassured my mom about my father, I told her there was something I needed to tell her. Something important to me for her to know even though she would not be alive when the event happened.
I told my mother that I might not always be married to my husband with whom I shared two children - 4 and 9. And, I told her that I needed to know that she knew that fact before she died. The truth is I wanted to say I knew I wouldn’t always be married to him, but I was too scared to say that out loud, so I said I might not be. She thanked me for telling her and let me know that she already knew that. We laughed. She then proceeded to share great wisdom about repair.
As I tell you this story today, it is essential that you know that I NEVER had these kind of conversations with my mother. That was not our relationship. I only went to have this conversation with her because one of my closest friends whose parents had both passed was hounding me. She kept saying to me “are you sure there's nothing else you want to say to your mom?” and finally I said okay. I’ll talk to her.
I digress. After she said thank you for telling me and that she knew that, she proceeded to share wisdom of what I could try to do to repair. After all, my parents had been happily married for over 50 years, so she had some advice about relationships that was worth hearing. She then she went on to say, if you can't repair, I want you to know that do not need to worry because I will be guiding you and the kids. My hand will always be on your back and I will protect you and you will be okay. It’s essential that I reiterate that these were not conversations that my mom and I had together. That is not how we spoke to each other. Ever! I knew she was a woman of faith but we didn’t even discuss faith.
It was shocking that when she was diagnosed with lung cancer 18 months earlier, she decided to take the opportunity to show everyone how to die well. That she swam in gratitude for the life that she had, for her marriage and her children and her grandchildren, and her career and her friends. Not that everything was always easy but she always looked as things as a glass was 9/10 full. So much so that I wrote an article about her for my synagogue’s magazine explaining her 9/10 full approach and faith. I will share that article below.
Why am I sharing this with you today? I'm sharing on the anniversary of her passing to give you all hope. The hope that I received from her at a time when I saw no help and I didn't understand how I would get through a divorce and how my kids would ever be OK. And here I am. Eleven years since I asked for a divorce and my kids are thriving and not one thing that I had the greatest fear about ever came true. I'm not saying it was an easy journey. Not for one second. It was a very very difficult journey that I got through with the help of many angels on earth. But, when I pull the lens back, I can see that I was protected and that I kept putting one foot in front of another because I knew somewhere deep in within me that I was. In fact, I would say even though it would not be until three years after her death that I asked for a separation, her support was with me every day until that day and then of course throughout everyday of my life since.
Today I want to share with you a little faith in the universe. I want to share with you some advice. Ask your angels, whoever they may be whether you think I'm nuts or not, please ask them to help you, to guide you, that you want them to show you signs that they are with you and protecting you. Because, even in my darkest days, there was a little voice inside of me that knew that my angels watching me and protecting me.
Thank you mom. And thank you to all the angels I know and the ones I don’t know for allowing me to be here today. And, thank you for guiding me to do the work of helping others navigate divorce. I am honored to be doing the work to shine a little bit of light. Give a little bit of hope and a lot of love to people who are thinking about divorce, who are in the middle of it, who are the end of it, and those who are rebuilding their lives after it. I think my mom is watching over all of us.
Attached is the e-mail exchange my mom and I had after that conversation in 2011. It is essential for you to understand that my mother and I NEVER had these types of conversations. She got to make an amends and I was given the gift to get to forgive
For context, my childhood, while full of love, was also filled with various types of neglect. I was the youngest of four all born in a 5 1/2 year span and I always knew my mom was just simply tired.
This Substack is not only a shoutout about angels and faith, but also encouragement to say whatever you want to say to someone before they pass – NOT because of what they might say to you, but because then YOU won’t have to regret not saying it. And of course, you never know what gifts you may receive.
Lastly, as I mentioned above, my father was at the end of his life 14 months later. I had the same conversation with him. He had no profound words of wisdom about my marriage. No conversations regarding angelic wings. But what he did say to me at the end was there was ‘no mountain you can't climb’. And the first time, a year later, that I went to the cemetery to see his footstone in place at his graveside, I got back into the car turned on the radio and “Ain't No Mountain High Enough” was playing. It's now my favorite song.'
It’s impossible to know where healing and gifts in our lives will come from. That’s what I know for sure.
The email exchange with my mother after our conversation on February 18, 2011 follows as does I piece I wrote about her 9/10ths glass full life in the fall of 2011!
:
Share this post