When I sit down with divorce attorneys, I often share something that tends to surprise them: clients are often intimidated by their lawyers—and, more than that, they really want to be liked by them.
And every time I say it, lawyers kind of chuckle. Like, really?
Yes. Really.
It doesn’t matter that the client is the one paying the bill. It doesn’t matter that they had choices, that they could’ve picked someone else. What it comes down to is this: when you're going through a divorce, you're scared, you're vulnerable, and you’re putting your future in someone else's hands. And you want—no, need—to feel like that person is truly in your corner.
I’ve seen it so many times. Clients will bend over backwards to be agreeable, to not be “difficult,” to be the “good client.” Sometimes they’re not even conscious of it. But underneath it all is this hope: If my lawyer likes me, they’ll fight harder for me.
And I get it. I really do. When you’re going through a divorce, everything feels uncertain. You might be dealing with gaslighting from your ex. Maybe your own friends or family don’t fully understand what you’re going through. You start to wonder if anyone truly sees the full picture—or you. So you cling to the one person who has the expertise and power to help: your lawyer.
I want to reassure anyone going through this that this feeling is completely normal. You are not weird or needy or “too much” for wanting to be seen and supported by your attorney. You’re human. And you’re probably going through the hardest chapter of your life.
At the same time, I also want to gently remind you of something else: your lawyer’s job is to advocate for you. Whether or not you feel liked, they are bound to represent your best interests. And if you’re not sure whether they are—if you’re feeling dismissed, judged, or neglected—it’s okay to name that. You deserve to feel heard.
I’m also writing this for the attorneys out there. Please know that the person sitting across from you (or on the other end of that email you haven’t had time to answer yet) might be barely holding it together. A little extra kindness—a short message, a moment of reassurance, a compliment about their parenting—can make a world of difference. I’ve seen it firsthand: when I pass on even a simple comment like “your lawyer said you’re a great mom,” it lights people up. They stand a little taller. They feel a little less alone.
That’s powerful.
To those divorcing or thinking abou it: I know this feels like a free fall. You’re navigating lawyers and court systems and custody arrangements—all while trying to keep your life from falling apart. My best advice? Try to be as clear as you can about what you want and need from your lawyer. Save the emotional spirals (we all have them!) for your therapist or your journal. Your lawyer is your strategist. Use their brain, their skills, and their time wisely. But don’t be afraid to let them see the real you, either.
And know this: you are not alone in how you feel. You are not “crazy” for wanting to be liked, believed, and reassured. That’s part of being human. Especially in moments like this.
You will get through it. I’ve seen it again and again. Your next chapter might be even better than you imagine.
And if you have kids, they’ll be okay too.
I write about the emotional realities of divorce—what people are really going through, and how we can support one another better. If that’s something you care about too, subscribe to stay connected and please, pass it on to anyone else who might be struggling too.
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